Men of 2010: @TheBig_Sam
Newly-crowned NOPA award-winning blogger, Iain Macintosh‘s nomination for the Football Pubcast’s “Men of 2010″ comes out of leftfield but, after reading his reasons below, I’m sure you’ll agree he’s picked a serious contender for the Man of 2010 title.
A warrior, a leader, a lover. A legend. Is there a man among us who would not trade lives with him at the drop of a earpiece? Is there a woman here who would not offer herself up to him without question, seeking sanctuary in his musky embrace? No, I thought not. Only a God could deny him the Man of the Year Award. Only a God could stand shoulder to shoulder with @TheBig_Sam
Fake twitter accounts are very hard to do well. Most fall at the first hurdle by being about as funny as famine. Others can bring a smile, but quickly become over-reliant on a single concept. Andy Carroll likes having sex. Fabio Capello’s English isn’t very good. Sir Alan Sugar is a yapping irritant, desperate to flog his memoirs. Oh. Apologies, it seems that one’s actually real. @TheBig_Sam is not a one dimensional character. He’s fully formed, multi-layered and he brings three dimensions to the party. One to drink, one to snort and one to shag.
Because of @TheBig_Sam, thousands of football fans have been forced to explain to their colleagues why they’ve just blown an entire mug of coffee out through their nostrils. And that’s no walk in the park. How do you tell the people you see every day that the cause of your last uncontrolled shriek was the story of Michel Salgado being raped by El Hadji Diouf? How do you reveal that the line, “This is when a foreign name is such a disadvantage. Salgado is shouting: ‘I’m not a lady! I’m Michel!’ Dioufy just looks confused and angry,” was the bit that sent you over the edge?
But it’s more than that. So much more. @TheBig_Sam’s greatest strength is that he uses his medium so well, lowering the pieces of his gag one by one before dropping the punchline and slipping away.
“Expelliarmus!” he once tweeted without warning. “Expecto Patronum!” he announced two minutes later. “Avada Kedavra!” Around the globe, over 20,000 followers scratched their heads. Had they missed something? What on earth was going on? And then, finally. “Nikola Kalinić is getting a fucking slap when I see him tomorrow. This isn’t a wand – it’s just a fucking stick. The bastard.”
Out in the twittosphere, the one-dimensional fake accounts continued to plough their lonely one-gag furrows. Only @TheBig_Sam is so well developed that he could plausibly reveal a desperate yearning to be Harry Potter.
There are stories here of love and of hate, of friendship and of conflict. The misty-eyed declarations of devotion to Sir Alex Ferguson, the visits to Phil Brown, who now lives in a tin bathtub in his front garden and believes himself to be Aslan. There’s sex, there’s drugs and there’s so much middle of the road rock that you suspect the involvement of Dave Lee Travis. It’s magnificent, it’s filthy, it’s clever, but above all, it’s just really, really funny.
Writers, by and large, are strange narcissistic types who feed on praise like seagulls on dropped chips. Strange then that the creator of @TheBig_Sam has been so intent on hiding away. I have a two-pronged theory. Firstly, that this is not the work of an amateur, but an outlet for a frustrated professional. Secondly, that the author knows full well how the humour intensifies as the lines between fiction and reality are blurred. I can’t be the only one who keeps expecting the real Sam Allardyce to break out bath time masturbation anecdotes for Geoff Shreeves. I know for sure that I wasn’t the only person more anxious to hear from @TheBig_Sam than the flesh and blood version after the sacking at Ewood Park. Any grasp for recognition by the writer would simply break the spell. Reward him another way. @TheBig_Sam is already my Man of the Year. Make him yours too.
Follow TheBig_Sam on Twitter @TheBig_Sam